The Measure of a Marriage: Revisited

When I wrote The Measure of a Marriage I was writing from a place of truthfulness and self-examination.  JD read the post before I put it up and gave me the go-ahead to post.  Between us it is always very clear that we will battle through thick and thin to always be together.  It might not always feel like we are on the same team, but we are always at least in the same game!  I don't know if we struggle more, less or about the same as other couples because I'm not in those relationships.  What I do know is that we are together and we are doing the best we can with what we've got.  Having now taken a step-back and re-read the marriage post I feel like I want to go back; not to re-write it because that would mean there was some dishonesty to it and that isn't the case, but to add.

Before I wrote, "Perhaps our best kept secret (or at least I think we hide it well) is the volatility of our marriage."  I described our marriage as volatile because I think we often swing from emotional highs to emotional lows very quickly.  In some sense when I say "we" I probably really mean "me".  I'm very slowly coming to realize that the emotional state of our marriage often mirrors my own feelings and temperament.  I think this is because I tend to be more dominant in our marriage and more quick to feel.  This isn't because I overpower JD or that he doesn't having feelings, but simply because he is more level-headed, easy-going and patient than I am.  So when I'm feeling happy, sad, mad or whatever the feeling-du-jour is I'm quick to express it in the biggest, boldest way I can.  JD usually has a minimal response that me and my big, bold feelings don't understand.  So my method of expression gets bigger and bolder until JD has a reaction that I deem appropriate.  A reaction that I believe shows love.  Screwed up, I know! 

I think somewhere along the way I learned/decided that no or little response means not caring, not loving.  My train of thought was, and I suppose still is, the more you care the more you react to anything and everything.  (I can make some guesses as to where this comes from, but that is a whole other can of worms!)  Pushing feelings to the max like this is what makes our marriage feel volatile, but oddly displays our success as well!  Jesse has become more expressive over time, I am coming to understand my own muddled views of self-worth and through it all we talk.  We can call each other out on our "stuff" and although our discussions aren't always positive they always move us forward and help us to feel connected.  It might be a roller-coaster, but we've put on our safety harnesses and we are holding hands for dear-life!