"The Tightrope Walker"

"The Tightrope Walker" by Jean-Louis Forain

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Ignorance is bliss, or is it?

Have you ever heard the expression, "You don't know what you don't know?"  The thinking is that if you are lacking knowledge or experience with something you might not even know that you are missing it in the first place.  For example, when a child learns about long division it is brand new.  They often don't even know that such a thing exists until someone shows it to them.  I always think of "you don't know what you don't know" as being on a larger scale, more like life experience, travel, cultural exploration and so on.

As adults, I think, many of us don't have very many moments where we realize we are learning or experiencing something new for the first time.  Even as new parents we usually have seen others parent or use our experiences with our own parents as reference.  Today I realized that I might be in a place where I just don't know what the alternative would be like or feel like.  And, I find myself feeling surprised.

So, the big question - do I really enjoy life?  I don't mean do I enjoy my life.  I mean do I live my life to the full potential and experience all that I can.  The answer is, I don't know because I don't know if the things I'm not doing would be more enjoyable.  I'm back at trying to eat right, exercise, find time for me and take better care of myself.  Part of eating better is planning my meals better.  Tonight while JD bathed the girls I spent about an hour prep, measuring and cooking food for my lunches this week.  Usually this time would be my "quiet" time which is really code for watching TV, checking email and generally doing nothing.  After the hour of prepping I felt frustrated that I had missed out on some quiet me time.  Then the thought struck:  I still had a quiet hour by myself and I could have listened to music or watched TV to make the hour more enjoyable WHILE  prepping meals.  DUH!  I know, so stupid right?  This got me thinking about the things that I don't do and just assume are not enjoyable because I just KNOW if they are.  While I'm sitting on couch "enjoying" a movie is someone else walking or biking or knitting or swimming and having a more enjoyable experience than me?  What if they are, does is matter?  Or more importantly, what if I'm missing out on life (because I'm comfortable living in a state of inaction) and don't even know it?  Hmmmm....now the wheels are turning!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Try, try, try again!

After almost a full year of NOT even visiting my blog I felt compelled to come back and read some of what I wrote.  Of course reading old posts has compelled me to write.  Looking back I can hear my motivation and desire to change, to do good, to be the best me.  All of this is very ironic as I find myself sitting at strange point in my life.  Many great things have come to me and my family over the last year, but at the same time any (or all) sense of balance I was creating has vanished.  I'm happy with my job and our changing family life; yet feeling the deepest sense of dislike for myself.  Hard thing to admit - yes, I do not like myself.  Ouch!  Maybe coming back to my blog will help me return to the place I was (mentally) over a year ago that was full of motivation and drive.  I actually just read a post here, my own words, that said, "Taking action has to come before motivation because motivation really is the power to KEEP going, not the power to GET going!"   Wow!  I need a little more of that attitude right now!  I'm going to do my best to find it and start walking the tightrope again.  After all, it is far more fun to be a part of the circus than it is to sit in the audience.

(Words of encouragement, cheers and applause is welcome.  Heckling not permitted!  Including any negative self-talk.  Violators be warned!)

Friday, May 18, 2012

Fell Off the Tightrope!

I admit it, I fell.  Not a quick, short fall, but a long, slow, through a hole in the Earth kind of a fall.  I've barely blogged in the last 10 to 12 months, which is a good (but bad) reflection of the how much balance there has been in my life this year.

The good news is that I've been busy teaching.  I've learned so much since September, my confidence as a teacher is growing all the time and I feel like this job is the most rewarding thing I've ever done.  (Outside of being a mom of course!)

The bad news is that I'm tired!  Too tired to find time for me or force the issue with JD.  I know he would help me find the time in the day, but I don't have the mental energy to navigate the schedule.

So what to do?   Count the days.  That's right count the days until school ends, then sleep for at least 24 hours straight and then climb the ladder back up to the tightrope platform.  Try, try again!

27...that is the magic number....27 instructional days left until summer vacation.  I can do it!