The Measure of a Marriage.

I'm hesitant and slightly apprehensive to publish this post, but when I set out on this blogging adventure almost a year ago I made a commitment to myself to record it all.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the truth as I see and feel it.  More than anything else this blog is for me.  If you happen to be reading I hope you can connect with my life and my family's journey without passing too much judgement or thinking too poorly of me - after all aren't we all just trying to figure it out one day at a time?

I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to determine how to measure the success of my marriage.  Looking back through this blog I realize when I've written about JD and I the topics have often been filled with humor, love, sarcastic annoyance and a deep sense of pride in our commitment to each other.  All of this is true and honest, but our life together isn't all roses, rainbows and lollipops.  We definitely disagree, argue and struggle like other couples.  We have faced our fair share of small uphill battles and, like many couples, we tire of working hard to keep it all together.  Perhaps our best kept secret (or at least I think we hide it well) is the volatility of our marriage.  In my own mind, I often think that the ups and downs of our marriage imitate that of manic-depressive cycles.  When things are good they are really good, but in a flash things can get rough....really rough.  Right now we are in a rough patch.  There are some rays of hope, but we are struggling (or maybe just I am) to keep it all together.

It is times exactly like these that make me wonder how to sum up the success of our marriage.  After all we have lots of things working for us: we are definitely in love, we share a terrific family, we make each other laugh, and (most of the time) we are best friends.  But for everything we have working for us we have something else working against us.  According to the statistics we are actually doomed!  For example, high school sweethearts like us have a 98% risk of divorce, couples who marry at 24 and 25 like we did have a 33% divorce rate, couples in our income bracket are at increased risk for divorce, and couples with irregular work schedules just like ours again have an increased risk of divorce.  I could go on with the doom-and-gloom statistics, but it is all rather overwhelming.  As foreboding as these statistics are I figure we are already beating the odds - together for 13 years, married for almost 7,  2 lovely girls and all while working weird schedules and piling up the debt.  Success, right???

Trouble is it doesn't always feel like success.  When I resent JD for being gone (at work) all the time and hate feeling like I'm a single parent when I have a husband - it doesn't feel like success.  When JD is grouchy as hell and nagging beyond belief because his work schedule is exhausting - it doesn't feel like success.  When we argue over our mounting debt, my inability to get permanent employment, or decisions that have come and gone - it doesn't feel like success.  When we struggle to find time to be together and make that time count - it doesn't feel like success.  The third baby debate, cars, new houses, crummy self-esteem, bills, being tired, hopes for vacations or new sports gear - they all get in the way of feeling like it is success.

So, if it isn't success what is it?  It definitely doesn't feel like failure.  Hard work?  Yes.  Happiness?  Mostly.  Exhaustion?  Often.  The end?  No.  Love and happily ever after?  We will see.

We can battle through anything, but knowing and having the will are two different things.  I know that JD has the will because he has a strong self-identity and is happy with himself.  However, I also know that my will isn't as strong as his.  Not because I'm not strong willed, but because I've been dedicating my motivation and energy into making changes just for me.  Feeling self-satisfied and content in my own skin will probably be a life-long struggle and that makes it really hard to have the drive to tend to my marriage.  This is when I ask you not to pass too much judgement - I recognize that I have a quality husband, wonderful children and a lot of great things in my life; and yet, I'm admitting that I have doubts, needs that aren't being met and even a strong selfish streak.  I feel quite torn between making me happy and making we happy.  Who comes first?  Me, him, us, them?

And now it hits me - I haven't found the balance yet.....