To the Person Who...

Sometimes when I'm out and about I play this little game with myself. This game has become my tool for self-editing because anyone who knows me well is likely to tell you that I'm typically blunt and honest to a fault. Most people might even describe my bluntness as "witchy". I have to say it isn't my intent to be mean, but for heavens sakes some people are just plain crazy!

The game usually starts when something grabs my attention that is just a little off or sometimes outright annoying. I don't specifically look for things out of the ordinary, but every once and a while you just see or hear something that makes you look twice or listen harder. Once the item has caught my attention I write a note in my head to the person involved. Here are some samples:

"To the man in the grocery store: I realize that you are impressed by your bird tweeting talent and that you are expressing yourself in a way that you find pleasurable. However, for the 5 minutes it took you to pack your groceries the rest of us were trying to figure out if there was a bird trapped in the store. Once we realized it was you we were all just irritated. Next time, please pack faster or save the tweeting for the car and/or shower. Thanks!"

"To the woman out shopping today: I hope you realize that you are an attractive woman with great legs, but white shorts with large elasticized leg holes is not a good look. In fact, from the back they sort of resembled an adult diaper. It is called the "Junior Department" for a reason. Time to move on and find some shorts that will flatter your great legs!"

"To the woman walking UP and DOWN the big hill: I assume the barrel strapped to your back is an attempt at an environmentally friendly backpack. I'm just wondering though, what do you do when your keys fall to the bottom? I know my arms would be too short to reach right to the bottom and get them out. By the way, I drove past you twice today and the second time I was wondering why you didn't take your barrel off, put the desk on top and roll it down the hill rather than carry that big desk all the way to the bottom. And by yourself too! Yep, rolling it on the barrel-backpack would have been far more practical."

"To the couple stopped beside me at the traffic light: I know as parents we are always rushing around, but for your safety and that of your children please buckle them in. Just because they are big enough to ride in a booster seat doesn't mean they are mature enough to understand the importance of buckling. Please buckle them!"

So, you get the idea right. I vent my frustration, puzzlement and wonder using my "internal voice". I suspect that my notes likely sound judgemental, but I would argue that I am expressing confusion, distress and annoyance in a socially acceptable manner. (In other words, keeping it to myself rather than running around yelling out at people.)

I know that so many of us, including myself, strive to be fashionable, environmentally aware, prompt, sensitive to the less fortunate, musically talented, athletic, passionate or whatever it is that we value as important. BUT, do these things have to come at the expense of practicality or common sense. I mean common on...a barrel as a backpack...let's get real, there must be a bag made from hemp fabric or bamboo fabric that would serve the same purpose. If any of you who know me well EVER catch me doing, saying, or wearing something that lacks common sense and practicality, or is just down right obnoxious I invite you to call me out. Do it, please!!!

Oh yes, and one more note I've stored in my brain for many months now: "To the man who parked beside me at the mall: I am sorry that you found the sight of me nursing my 12 week-old baby in the relative privacy of my own car offensive. However, I found your staring and snide comment to your friend offensive. Let me point out that you did not see my nipple, any breast you did see looked no different than my arm, and that's what breasts are for. Grow the f*$& up, and look away if you don't like it!"

Common sense and practicality, come on now!