After my husband and I were married he explained to me that he is actually bilingual. I, of course, was impressed and eager to hear him speak french, Spanish or some other wonderful language. As it turns out my excitement turned to confusion when he told me he was fluent in both English and Womanese. Womanese? What is that, you are asking? Guess what, you already speak it?
Womanese is the language of those of us who care two X's instead of an X and a Y. My husband loves to remind me that he speaks it fluently and clearly understands me every time I use Womanese. Some of his favourite Womanese translations include:
"It sure is cold in here, isn't it?" Translation to English, "I'm cold. Would you please pass me that blanket?"
"Are you thirsty, because I'm thirsty." Translation to English, "Could you please get me a drink?"
"Wouldn't a cup of tea be nice right now?" Translation to English, "Would you please make me a cup of tea?"
"Oh man, I'm tired tonight." Translation to English, "You sure as hell aren't gettin' any, so you better not even try!"
What my husband doesn't realize is that I'm just as fluent in Man-grunt as he is in Womanese. For example, when he says, "Yep, uh-huh, yep, okay." I know what he really means is, "I'm making these sounds because I want you to think I'm listening, but really I tuned you out a long time ago." Another classic Man-grunt, "Sorry, I forgot." Meanwhile he really means, "I wasn't totally listening to you when you told me that, and now I'm sorry that I wasn't listening because I don't want to listen to you now."
The lesson is that for every classic Womanese request there is an equally passive Man-grunt response. The problem is when an entire conversation takes place with me speaking Womanese and him replying in Man-grunt. Again an example, including translation:
"Honey, does this outfit make me look fat?"
"Honey, I'm feeling crappy and grumpy."
"Do you want the truth?"
"Oh god, are you about to bite my head off no matter what I say? Are you grumpy or looking for a compliment?"
"Of course I want the truth because I want to know whether or not I should change."
"What is that suppose to mean, the truth? Does that mean you would lie and tell me that I look great when I don't? Does that mean I do look fat and you don't want to get in trouble?"
This is where things get dicey for my husband. If he answers yes he knows he is going to hear about it and I'll spend another half hour attempting new outfit combinations, but if he answers no he is going to be forced to listen to "Are you sure? Are you telling the truth?" and I'm probably still going to spend another half hour trying on new outfit combinations. Which is all really womanese for, "How can I believe you know? Why would you ask me if I want to know the truth if you were just going to say I looked fine anyway? That's it, I just want to stay home in my sweatpants!"
The solution to this problem would be to just speak plain old English. But, since English isn't either of our first language what are the chances of that? I don't think I should be forced to speak anything but my mother-tongue while in the comforts of my own home, so I guess my husband will just have to continue translating. I figure with two daughters it is probably good for him to maintain his Womanese language skills; otherwise the teenage years are going to be a very bumpy ride.
No comments:
Post a Comment