Sticks and Stones

Poor Sophie came home from school on Tuesday, threw herself on the couch and sobbed because a little boy at school said something that hurt her feelings.  As much as Sophie is a happy-go-lucky kind of kid she also is very sensitive.  She hates it if we laugh at her when she unintentionally does something funny, she covers her ears when we tell stories about her or talk about her with another adult, and gets angry if we call her silly, endearing names.  She also is quick to express her feelings with us, but will keep silent around others when they upset her.  So on Tuesday when the little boy hurt her feelings she didn't tell him she didn't like it, she didn't tell the teacher, or even the sitter after school.  Instead, she kept it all in until she got home and then exploded from sadness and hurt.

We had lot of hugs and a talk about what to do if this happens again.  I tried to explain that sometimes people are just mean for no reason, and now that she knows how much it hurts she should always try to be kind.  The entire time we talked I felt like nothing was getting through and maybe even like she wasn't really understanding.  Then I told her that when her daddy and I were her age kids said mean things to us too, and that got her attention.  She was surprised and had lots of questions; the most important one being, "Did we cry?"  I thought this was a strange question until it occurred to me that she wanted to be told that it was okay to be sad, angry, hurt and cry a little bit.  She wanted her feelings to be validated; not a long list of what to do next time.  Feelings validated, more hugs and everything was right with the world again.

That is until this morning.  For the first time ever she was actually anxious, nervous and very unhappy to be going to school.  She didn't want to see the little boy again and didn't want the other kids to say mean things.  I managed to convince her that everything would be okay and that her teacher would help her if anyone hurt her feelings, but the whole time my heart was breaking.  Why is it, that even in kindergarten, we find ways to hurt each other?  Is it power?  Is it testing our ability to impact others?  What?  This little boy had no reason to target Sophie.  When I spoke to her teacher she told me that it didn't sound like the little boy at all, and yet her targeted my daughter.  This is when Mama Bear comes out and wants to stomp over to the school yard to give this kid a piece of my mind!  Not productive, I know, but there is just no way to protect Sophie from the hurt of mean words and I desperately wish there were. 

This is one part of parenting that hurts me as much as it hurts Sophie.  I only hope that she is brave enough and self-assured enough to know that mean words are only words, and that being loved by us and her friends is far more important.  And there it is, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me....