Last summer I read an interesting article in Maclean's magazine entitled, "The case against having kids". The premise of the article is that increasingly individuals and couples are making the well thought-out and conscious decision not to have children. However, many people who make this choice are often criticized for going against the social norm and labeled as self-centered, not willing to give themselves to others. I tend to disagree with this view. I think that anyone who carefully assesses their life and comes to the conclusion that children are not in their future are actually making a rather thoughtful choice. After all, is it better to meet social expectations by having children you may not really want thereby increasing the chances of becoming a selfish, neglectful and resentful parent, or is it better to live your life happily while being true to yourself? The latter I think.
Since I read the article I have come across this debate a few times in the media, and each time I find myself intrigued by the whole discussion surrounding whether or not it is good or bad, selfless or selfish to have children. The point that bothers me the most is when individuals express the point of view that parents are actually selfish for deciding to have children. There is a train of thought that adding more kids to our population is bad for the environment, they are expensive, the only reason people have children is for a sense of self-gratification and that becoming a parent allows individuals to run away from life. As a parent my only reactions is....WHAT? I'm selfish for having children?
Who knows maybe by having children I am doing harm to society at large, but the same can be said for owning a car, buying non-environmentally friendly cleaning products and eating meat. So on those counts alone I'm already going to hell. As for the self-gratification and running away from life parts - I feel that the parents I know didn't have children for either of these reasons. And here's why:
As women wish and hope to get pregnant, but when we do are bodies morph, change and alter in ways that we never dreamed. Before too long we don't even recognize our bodies as our own, and some of those changes last a lifetime. Is this selfish?
When our babies are in womb we dream of seeing them and holding them, but when they arrive we are shocked into a state a sleep deprivation that drives us to be emotional, erratic and sometime outright crazy. Is this selfish?
We urge our children to hit the big milestones like crawling, walking and talking, but when they do our lives become even more turned upside down, and both physical and emotional exhaustion become the new normal. Is this selfish?
We love that our children need us. They need us to cuddle to care for them and to be with them always, but we do this at the cost of other adult relationships. Both marital relationships and friendships become more difficult as our time is stretched thinner. Is this selfish?
We wipe bums, we clean throw-up, we stay up countless nights rocking and cuddling our children, we give up all-inclusive holidays with tropical cocktails for Disney World and the beach, we wipe snotty noses and we spend 15 minutes dressing our kids in their winter wear just to spend another 30 minutes undressing and redressing them because they need to go pee. Is any of this selfish?
Parenting is hard-work. It doesn't end at 5 o'clock or even once your little ones are asleep. It can also be a lonely and patience-testing job, and for many of us it includes some sort of self-sacrifice. Far from selfish I think.
So never would I call another adult who carefully and consciously makes the choice not to have children selfish, but in turn don't call me selfish either. Yes, I'm rewarded with hugs, kisses, cuddles and a million other daily treats, but I'm also giving everything I've got everyday to two little people who depend on me, as are most other parents. Having or not having children? Good or bad? Selfish or selfless? How about none of those things? How about, having/not having children is a very personal decision that should reflect your own personal goals, values and dreams. You decide and then let's support each other in that choice!
Oh yeah, and to the people who say things like, "I chose not to have children so I shouldn't have to pay for other peoples kids, like paying taxes that go to the education system." Two questions for you: 1) Did you go through the education system? Yes, well now you are simply paying for that education. 2) One day when you are old and gray may you need a doctor, lawyer, plumber, electrician, bus driver, or other professional to help you? Well guess what? That professional might just be my kid. Do you want to help pay for their education now, because I'm think a doctor who can't read or write might be a scary thing! Now that I've got that off my chest I think its time for a mind-numbing movie...
P.S. Chat back. I promise no opinion will go unheard, unshared or un-posted!
Hope these links to the articles and book on this topic work!
"The case against having kids!"
"The 'No kids' debate continues."
"No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children."
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