A Dose of Birth Control!

Approximately 3 p.m., Saturday:
"Mommy, Molly is asleep with no clothes on and poop on her bum!"  said Sophie and that is how the nightmare began.  As I climbed the stairs two at a time my mind raced.  What does she mean poop on her bum?  Did her diaper leak?  But, why did she say bum?  Oh my FREAKIN' goodness!  I literally burst into tears and started laughing at the same time; as the anger boiled up from my guts, through my chest, into my head and out of me ears.  I really do mean that bullets of anger sprayed out of ears!!! Again, you have got to be F*$&ING kidding me right now!!!!

Earlier in the day:
JD and Sophie were out for the day, so after swimming lessons with Molly I was looking forward to a little quiet time during her nap.  Of course she was a challenge to settle and had to be put to bed a couple of times.  Finally, she seemed settled for about 10 minutes and then I heard her moving around in her room.  I debated whether or not to go to her, but in the end I decided to leave her because she was quiet and I knew she would settle.  As it turned out the quiet wasn't a settling for a nap quiet, but a being as naughty as I can quiet.

Lovely, darling Molly had removed her clothing (no big deal) and also emptied the bottom two drawers of dresser (annoying, but no biggie).  At some point during her "dress-up" session she had also removed her diaper AFTER pooping!  The clothes from the dresser had poop on them, her bedding had poop, her crib had poop, the rocking chair had poop, the baby gate had poop and worst of all the CARPET had poop on it!  Oh yes, and Molly had poop all over herself.  After this lovely, fun-filled, naked, dress-up session she had finally exhausted herself and that's how we found her.  Cuddled up, naked and pooped cover on the floor next to the gate in her doorway.  Did I mention that she had also peed?  Yep, adding insult to injury she had peed and her sleepy head was resting just at the age of the soaking wet carpet.

Literally, I really and truly did cry and laugh at the same time.  Then I yelled.  Then I stomped.  Then I laughed and cried some more.  JD scrubbed Molly.  I collected FOUR loads of dirty laundry to wash.  JD went across town to borrow a carpet cleaner.  I wiped poop of furniture.  JD cleaned carpets.  We both fumed.  Molly?  Well, poor Molly cried!  I do feel badly that she cried, but never before have I wished so badly that there was an actually effective and reasonable method for punishing a twenty-month-old.  I honestly was so steamed that I considered calling my parents to come and take her away for the evening because I couldn't imagine having to read her a bedtime story and lovingly tucking her into bed.

A day later and I'm still peeved, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm lucky.  Generally, our kids are really well-behaved.  Sophie never even attempted something of this nature and although this isn't the first time we found Molly in the nude it is the worst thing she has ever done.  I know other parents who have dealt with permanent markers, nail polish, scissors and other things that are harder to clean or repair.  So we must be lucky, right???  Who am I kidding?  Poop is way more disgusting than anything that can be done with permanent marker, nail polish or a pair of scissors!  Okay, forget it we aren't lucky.  She is lucky.  She is lucky I didn't take her out to the corner, flag down the first passing car and hand her over!  One thing I know for sure: this incident has put an end to any more discussions about a third baby.  In fact if Molly had been our first born, and don't get me wrong I love her to bits, there may not even have been a second!

(A note to all future-parents:  I know this sounds horrible (and it was horrible), but thankfully this too shall pass.  Besides there is nothing that a little duct tape can't fix.  Whether you use a few short pieces just on the diaper tabs, or opt for the duct-tape belt all the way around their waist, their little fingers shouldn't be able to peel the tape back.  So go for it!  Kids are such a great experience and totally worth every moment, even the disgusting ones!)