Thirty, here I come!

I have thought about starting a blog for a long time, but have always been apprehensive about sharing my thoughts and life so openly. I'm not one to beat around the bush, I tend to be opinionated, brutally honest to a fault, and generally feel that very few topics are off-limits. These traits combined with a blog seemed like a dangerous mix; after all I do have in-laws!

So now maybe you are wondering why I've decided to enter the world of blogging - a cheesy, cliché combination of celebrating my 30th birthday in a few months and watching the movie "Julie & Julia". No, I'm not so naive as to believe that having a blog is going to change to my life, but somehow I have convinced myself that maybe someone out there will be able to relate to me and hopefully have some wise-words to offer. Turning 30 in two, short months really is the catalyst for this new adventure into the world of blogs. I've always loved birthdays, and never been the kind of person who felt anxiety about my age. Finding myself getting ready for my 30th birthday and feeling anxious, melancholy and generally like a big-underachiever is very strange.

My problem in a nutshell is that somewhere along the line I unknowingly chose 30 as a goal marker for having achieved "something". What that "something" is I guess I never decided, strange I know. It's like knowing where the finish line is, but not knowing what kind of a race you are in or what the prize is. Is it a running race, sailing, swimming? It could be NASCAR for all I know! This is not to say that I haven't accomplished anything in my so-called adult life. I have a home, a good marriage, and I love my daughters to death. But, I've had one failed career and another that is floundering. I thought we would have moved to our dream home and bought a second car by now. I imagined I would have lost the extra 30lbs I've been caring around since my early twenties. Maybe, just maybe my husband and I would have had a vacation since our last one was our honeymoon. And, I never in my wildest dreams imagined myself as a stay-at-home mom. I think stay-at-home moms have one of the most difficult jobs, but I had never considered not being a working-mom and now I can't figure out how I got here.

I know you are reading this and probably thinking, "What? By the time she was thirty she thought she was going to be a 110lb, trophy wife with an amazing husband, two perfect kids, stately home, high-powered career, home cooked meal every night, romantic getaways to exotic locales and a savings account with money IN it. Oh, and paid off her mortgage too!" No, I'm not on the "having-it-all-dream-plan", but I thought I would have accomplished something just for me, about me. I feel like the bulk of my adult-life has been about creating a strong marriage, and a happy family. I am very blessed to have those things, but in the mean time I've lost myself in the balancing act. Turning 30 somehow increases my awareness that I need to figure out this balancing act before I fall off the tightrope. The challenge? How am I going to do that exactly?