The Revolving Door.

My husband and I had an interesting conversation last night about how we live our lives in a constant state of inaction. We have fallen into a trap where we identify a problem, something we want to change or something we would like to do. Then, we discuss, over analyze, research and basically obsess over the issue for a few days. (If I'm being honest it is me who does the obsessing. It seems to be the sick and twisted part of my tendency to be a worrier.) Of course after a few days of over-analysis I step back from the problem and we get busy with life again. The problem then magical disappears from our thoughts as we clean house, fold laundry, play with the girls, attend a family event, go to work, pay the bills, change diapers and live our lives. Of course, this means the issue goes unresolved, and at some point in the future we find ourselves discussing the goal again. Before I know it another few days is spent contemplating how to save money, lose weight, buy a new house, get a better job, go on vacation, pay down debt or whatever we have identified as the most 'urgent' challenge in our life. So, here we find ourselves trapped in the "Revolving Door" of inaction. We discuss, research and discuss some more, but neither of us steps out of the door and into life.

We've both known for a while that we've created this bad habit, and yet we've never really talked about how are real challenge is the bad habit itself. That is, until last night when both of us acknowledged that we are trapped in the "Revolving Door".

I had trouble sleeping after that because I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid it is that we both know we won't reach our goals unless we start taking action. I lay awake wondering, "Why? Why is it that we have clear goals we want to reach, but neither of us does anything to reach them?" The answer - motivation. I think my husband is able to self-motivate and I think he does accomplish his goals, especially ones that are personal. Unfortunately, I think over time I have become increasingly indecisive and allowed worrying to become the primary part of my personality. Example, we have had arguments about what to eat for dinner, what rain boots to buy our daughter and what to do on a Saturday. We don't argue because we disagree, but because I can't just make a decision (and he really doesn't care what boots we buy). Anyone who knows my husband and I would likely tell you that I'm the stronger personality in our relationship and tend to be the leader/decision maker. So, in a moment of clarity I've realized that I'm the one holding us back. Yikes! What a horrible idea! My own failings are not only self-sabotaging but they've become life-sabotaging. I have lost my ability, or forgotten how, to self-motivate, and now it is holding us both back.

So that's it, time to step out of the "Revolving Door". I think the expression is less talk, and more action. (Maybe it should be my new motto.) Rather than feeling overwhelmed and eaten alive by all the possible things I could do to start reaching our goals I'm taking a deep breath and thinking small. Just about 11 weeks to my birthday, and since turning 30 is what brought all of this on I'm going to chose to do something for me. Something to improve the balance between caring for my family and caring for me.

I can't believe I'm about to do this! The goal I'm going to work on is losing 10 lbs by my birthday. That's about 1 lb a week, reasonable I think. If I press the "Publish Post" button there will be no going back. This goal will be out there for everyone to see. I know there are people who will read this and hold me to that goal, hold me accountable for my own action or inaction. Sitting staring at the screen for a few minutes now...checked email...checked Facebook....re-read this post. Oh shit, what do I have to lose at this point?!?! Posting...