Getting in Gear.

What gets you going?  What fires you up?  What motivates you to reach for your goals?  Have you ever really thought about it?  Can you actually identify what drives you?  Until recently I hadn't really spent much time considering what factors motivate me to act, to push through and strive to reach my goals.  Why?  Probably because I'm not really a goal-setter.  I see the value in having goals and I have buckets of dreams (as you've read), but I'm not so great at setting actual goals and I'm really bad when it comes to following through.  When I first set out this spring to find and create some balance in my life I briefly reflected on motivation.  I wrote about self-sabotage, lack of self-motivation and my own need to talk less and act more.  Since then I think my motivation to become the person I want to be and that I know I can be has increased, but at the same time my talkative nature and self-sabotaging ways have remained obstacles.  So, why?  Why is it that I know intellectually what I need to do to move forward and to progress towards my goals, but I still don't just do it?

The answer - fear.  I have realized (and probably have always known) that my motivation doesn't come from what I know, or from passion or even from desire, but from a place of fear.  My motivation for being a healthier and fitter me:  fear of being deserted and alone, fear of my own children being unhealthy or overweight, fear of being really sick,  fear of being unable to participate in my children's lives, fear of always being an observer, fear of being unattractive or maybe even unlovable, fear of being a poor role model for the girls, and fear of never feeling like I'm in control.  So if fear is what motivates me, what holds me back?  Fear of course.  My deterrents for being a healthier and fitter me: fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of my efforts going unrecognized, fear of appearing selfish, fear of taking time from my family, fear of the girls feeling neglected, fear of what my body might actually look like if I lost 40lbs, fear of always being the person who has to record everything they eat, fear of being question or criticised, fear of changing and still not being 100% happy, fear of shopping for new clothes, and fear of discovering I can't actually do it.  (Phew, how's that for a load of negativity!)

I don't mean to sound so miserable, that really isn't my point.  My point is that I've realized being both motivated and discouraged by fear doesn't work.  Two negatives just don't make a positive!  I realize that many of the fears that hold me back are 'just in my head', but they feel real and likely only success will help to ease them.  However, being motivated by fear is not going to work.  The fears that get me going mostly relate to other people and external forces, but I think that internal-motivation is far more powerful.  Feeling that being healthier and fitter is worthwhile just for me, just for how I will feel, should be my true motivation.  So, time for a re-write.

My motivation for being a healthier and fitter me:  fear of being deserted and alone truly enjoying being with JD and trusting in our relationship, fear of teaching my own children how to being unhealthy or overweight, fear of being feeling really sick healthy and energized,  fear of being unable to actively participating in my children's lives, fear of always being an observer having the guts and energy to try new things, feeling fear of being unattractive, or maybe even unlovable, comfortable in my own skin, and (gasp!) maybe even sexy, fear of being a poor strong female role model for the girls, and fear of never feeling like I'm being in control of how I live, taking the bull by the horns.  Time to get in gear! (How's that for cheesy pep-talk?  You should try it because it actually feels pretty good!)

"Studies Find Reward Often No Motivator"